I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
