...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
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New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
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OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
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