i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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