I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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