My liver just broke up with me...
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
