Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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