apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
