This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
