S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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