i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
