Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
