I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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