My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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