I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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