I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Randomize
