its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
