Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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