good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
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