um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
