I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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