after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
