WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
