At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
