Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
