I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
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