and you said cock pushups were impossible
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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