The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I want her autograph on my taint
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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