It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
