you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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