Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
