are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
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I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
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Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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