the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
