he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
