how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
