Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
