Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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