I accidentally had phone sex last night
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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