I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
