You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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