and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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