Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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