think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
