At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
