if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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