Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
