the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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