Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
