My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
