Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
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He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
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No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize