Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
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Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
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I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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