After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
