just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
