i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
