hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
