the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
