If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
