remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize