i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
home. puking in laundry basket.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
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