dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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