I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
